Maybe I should take this seriously again

My last blog over at blogger and for awhile here was a serious rehearsal at trying to use blogs as a marketing vehicle for my consulting services. Amazingly,  it worked even with a limited view count of like 200.

But not well. Most of the companies wanted to use me for free. This is Korea. Hell for anyone in games consulting.

And honestly it as more or less likely that they had talked to me at GDC or at the KOGIA conferences I would breeze through.But some had seen me ranting. or my snark. and understood it. And I had been focused on the real-time immediate focus. But maybe.

I have to stop letting Seoul. eat. my. soul.

I’m with Touchring now and we just had an amazing but busy time here at DEMO 2010 Fall. and yes there is now footage of me eternally in their archives. I have to do better so its not the last thing I have recorded for posterity.

I love the stage again. I just have to be less of a  herky jerky gurdy man. Oh Donovan your song still haunts me.

Okay this is bad. I have to learn to edit. But I have not been self-censoring for awhile. and this is all stream of blind consciousness. This is what happens when you write something at 5am. I’m not thinking of audience, message or documentation.

so. met some bloggers and especially cool ones at that. and it gets me in the mindset of: I have to stop being so momentary. I have to start documenting. this life. Not that I think anyone else will be interested but because it will give me something besides peace.

Because I lie when I say it’s only because of my eyes I look sad.

But it’s not an active sadness but a serene pool that ripples. Its that heaviness you feel inside sinking but it’s like foam that just softens everything. It’s not loneliness but it’s an ache to just be able to have that joy of the give and take of engaging conversation.

I only really speak simply anymore. But tonight I really talked. Then it was interrupted. and then it was gone.

I told someone that the moment is raw. Now is what focuses you. But if I think about it, it’s been today.  I haven’t danced publicly for many years. I have seen the colors and the shapes and the smells of the music when I danced today. Telling someone else made it even better, like a secret that is more valuable when you share it.

and I know it’s gone when I go back.

Seoul. How ambivalent you make me. How hesitant and respectful. I used to be a warrior and now I am a servant. You have made me a monk where I should have been an adventurer. How I apologize for everything when I should be sharp and polished.

It’s not your fault. It’s mine.

This is neither tech nor Pong. But it’s a meditation on what conversations I did have here at DEMO. It’s what the rush of risking it all evokes and getting the positive press. Knowing you were not the weakest link. Knowing that you were instrumental in making it possible.

It feels good to be me again.

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